Q-Quit Complaining

I woke up early that morning with a heavy weight on my heart. I didn’t know at the time that this would be the end of a season. The caregiving cycle can feel like a hamster’s wheel of repetitive doctor’s appointments and heavy responsibilities. It felt like it would never end but it did, leaving me with great loss and the sense of wishing I had known then what I know now.

I could tell that my first husband, Bill, was so very tired. He struggled every day to get out of bed and could barely walk. In fact, that was the challenge ahead of us that day as we drove to see the breathing specialist. He had somehow managed to get into the car but we faced the challenge of getting him out once we got to the clinic. Here is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride that tells the story:

“Mr. Sebastian, I must insist that you get a tracheostomy,” the doctor said grimly.

 

With no hesitation, Bill signed N – O, and then very deliberately grabbed his marker and wrote, “NO.” It was the size of the entire white board we had taken in so that he could communicate with the medical staff.

 

“I respect that, Mr. Sebastian,” acknowledged the doctor. “I just want you to know that as your doctor it is my duty to let you know the risk you take by not having this procedure done.” 

 

“Wait just a minute, honey,” I said quickly. “Hear out what the doctor is telling us.”

 

The doctor went on to explain that because of the lack of muscle tone in his face due to the type of Muscular Dystrophy and the continual flow of air through the mask it was more and more difficult for the oxygen levels to stay at optimum levels.
I don’t remember much else about that doctor’s appointment. I felt angry and frustrated. Once we were situated back in the car and on the road home, I turned to him and asked angrily, “Why won’t you follow the doctor’s orders?” I glanced over briefly as he began answering me with sign language. I kept sneaking glances over at him while I merged on to the road to take us home. Finally, I blurted out, “Are you saying that you’re HELD? What are you talking about?” I snapped.

 

He just looked at me and kept signing. His whiteboard was in the back seat so I couldn’t reach it without pulling the car over. 

 

“We can talk about it more when we get home and I can get your whiteboard,” I said angrily.

 

I was fuming inside. I had barely managed to get him in to the car. He was getting worse and there was nothing I could do about that. My internal dialogue was not good as I thought, What good does it do us to have the best medical team in the world if Bill is just going to be stubborn about it all and not do what the doctors wants him to do?

The following week, Bill woke up on Heaven. My caregiving role ended abruptly.

There was a time in my life when I complained to anyone who would listen. I like to joke about it by saying, “People felt better about their own lives after having lunch with me because they realized their life was actually pretty good compared to mine.”

I look back on that time in my life with regret for the missed opportunities to grow and praise God for what I had rather than bemoan the way my life had turned out. I was in a dark room complaining about the darkness and seemed oblivious to the light switch that was right by the door. I was in a dark place because I had yet to grasp the truth that as a Hope Ambassador I could set the tone for my surroundings by my response to the challenges of my life.

There are many things that challenge us in the caregiving role. This admonition is not about denying the difficulties but rather looking for solutions. The challenge with focusing with absolutes is that they blow up the bridges to solutions leaving you entrenched in a victim mentality where you less likely to reach a solution.

We live in a society that loves to grumble and complain. We now have a whole new platform on Social Media to identify with what we are against. We have those who will jump on the band wagon and agree with us in our objections and laments. The problem with this approach is that it leaves us angrier and more frustrated than ever. More importantly, we miss opportunities to bless and serve fully.

One of my favorite sayings is “On the positive side…” It’s great to acknowledge the challenge rather than to pretend that everything is fine when it is not. God has a good plan for you even though you may not see it right now. Ask for wisdom from others. It may seem like this season will never end but it always does.

Lord, I am just so tired right now. I need you to energize me with the desire to do what is right. I know that it feels like this season will never end, yet I know it will and I want to be blameless. I replace complaints with praise and gratitude for this opportunity to serve ____________. We are living in a challenging time yet you are calling us to shine like stars. Thank you for a change is perspective in order to fulfill the mission you have called me to.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

For the rest of the alphabet in the ABCs of Self Nurture for Caregivers please click here.