In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven. Matthew 5:16 ESV
My first husband, Bill, was finally being released to go home after an extended hospital stay. They had wanted him to go to a rehab facility but he was longing for his own bed and the comfort of our home. I felt so overwhelmed with learning how to “feed” him through the g-peg that was now in his stomach. We ordered a hospital bed and prayed that it could be delivered in time. His ventilator was working well and we had ordered back up power supplies in the event of a power failure. He had a suction apparatus to aspirate the saliva that he could no longer swallow. He had a machine that we could use if he needed to cough. The entire family went into high gear to help move the furniture so we could replace the old, dirty carpet before he came home. I was so proud of how they all engaged in the process. This is a common response to a critical health crisis.
In the beginning, I was still employed and worked from home so we settled well into our new routine. The hardest thing for Bill was to have others take care of him as he so longed to remain independent and “not be a bother” to anyone. Two months later I received a call telling me that I was “laid off.” We felt so blessed to have the money from the severance pay, which allowed me to take care of Bill for an extended period of time. Money was tight but we managed to get by as his disability checks finally started coming in.
I’m not sure when I fully realized that I was playing the suffering martyr. I never auditioned for the role or filled out a job application. I guess the first open door to the possibility took place during our wedding vows. We shared traditional vows that contain the following:
I take you, Bill, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
In sickness and in health – Most of us repeat these well-known words, never fully comprehending how they will apply to us. Don’t get me wrong. I was honored to fulfill the role, I just never realized the toll that this role could take as months turned into years and his physical condition deteriorated.
An opportunity arose to work as a facilitator/trainer in Mississippi and I took it because we really needed the money. I felt guilty for the excitement that I felt to get back to doing what I do so well even if it was only for a few days.
We couldn’t afford to hire someone to stay with him. My husband was hesitant to have anyone else care for his personal needs. I had gradually become comfortable with the machines he needed to survive but had never shown our kids how to use them. Our children were glad to help and so I started to realize all that I was doing. Why was it so hard to ask for help?
Here is a quote from the upcoming book, The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride:
One of the hardest parts of becoming a caregiver is that most people enter the role without any preparation or proper training. Once you are there, you often feel isolated and alone without knowing who to go to for help and guidance. For many, the financial sacrifice becomes an ongoing challenge as you cut back on your hours or quit your job, thus losing not only the current income, but future retirement benefits.
Each caregiving scenario is unique and challenging. It is exhausting and exhilarating. It can feel unfair and, at the same time, it can be an adventure you are thankful you did not miss. You could say that it is a little like white-water rafting. You went for a short ride down the river and started out slowly. At some point, however, the process accelerated and you were hit by unexpected waves amid the rocks and rapids. You find yourself consumed with decisions and responsibilities that threaten to overwhelm you. Just when you think you have a handle on it, a simple call can send you cascading down another set of rapids with a brand-new set of priorities.
The good news is you can hope for more than merely surviving this season. It is possible to thrive amid the chaos of caregiving.
Active Self Nurture
Stop hinting at your need for help
One of the characteristics of a martyr in passive-aggressive communication. You tell people about your woes and then when they ask how they can help, you somehow want them to insist on helping. They take you at your word when you say, “I’m okay, but thanks for asking.” Then you become angry because no one is helping. STOP IT! Instead say, “I need your help.”
Log your caregiving activities
Make a list of everything you do in caring for your loved one. Sure, it seems simple to you because it’s your routine. You want to have it all on paper so that the next time someone asks how they can help instead of saying “Oh, I’m fine, but thank you for offering” you can say, “I’m so glad you asked. Could you please (specific request)?”
Share honor opportunities
Once you realize the benefits of honoring others, you will want to share the privilege. I am so grateful that our children were able to help take care of their dad. They have expressed in the years since he moved to Heaven that they were grateful they did as much as they did. In trying to spare them, I could have circumvented the process.
Prayer
Thank You, Lord, for the privilege of serving and honoring ____________ . I surrender my role as the suffering martyr and ask You to transform this season into one of releasing others to share. Give __________ the grace to accept the help of others. Thank You for teaching us all how to let Your shine instead of doing it all on our own.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
For the rest of the alphabet in the ABCs of Self Nurture for Caregivers please click here.
Karen Sebastian-Wirth has, over the years, lovingly cared for her mother-in-love, mother, father and husband. She certainly has learned the lessons of hope in what can become a treacherous ride over some rough waters. You will enjoy her candid approach to self nurture and the practical ways to take care of yourself. Her new book The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride will be released in September, 2018.
Author, speaker, corporate trainer, ordained minister and Hope Catalyst, Karen Sebastian enjoys sharing her rich life experiences with others – engaging them in adventurous discoveries of the beauty of hope in a dark, cloudy world. Her books will inspire you to embrace hope no matter what you are going through.
